I’m gonna freak out if I here any more of this stupid swine flu thing. There are literally hundreds if not thousands of virus’ people can get and this is just one more. Until the last disease kills everyone, there will be more illnesses and people just need to be realistic about it. Remember asian bird flu? Mad Cow?

Will the media please stop scaring the hell out of everyone!? Here are the words that they are using and the ACTUAL definitions-

Outbreak- a sudden increase
Epidemic- a disease affecting many persons at the same time, and spreading from person to person in a locality where the disease is not permanently prevalent.
Pandemic- a disease prevalent throughout an entire country, continent, or the whole world

Things come and go. Some even linger for a while, but I feel like everytime a new one pops up, everyone goes ape shit.  This one isn’t even that bad. All that’s recommended is to stay home and relax until it goes away, just like normal flu. Shit…the swine flu can come and get me, i’ll punch it in the face.

My neck went naked between 2004 (when I stopped wearing that hemp necklace) and the summer of 2008.

And it was in that summer of ‘08 when I acquired 2 dog tags. Every time I wear them out, someone always asks me about them, so here’s the story:

I used to do a lot of promotional events. Everything from energy drinks to cars.  This particular one was for the Army and it was on the day of something called the Bud Billikan parade. We had just moved to Chicago and I had no idea what this was, so I took the job and convinced my girlfriend to do the same.

The day before the event, I google mapped the location..hmmm interesting…the parade is on the South Side…somewhere I haven’t been before.

We drove out there, taking note of the slow degradation of the buildings around us. When we finally arrived near the location, we were surrounded by stores with bars on the windows and yellow “do not cross” police tape. I parked my blue acura rsx on the street- the most expensive and newest car on the block.

We started walking to the meeting place when we realized what Wikipedia already knew- the Bud Billikan parade is the largest black parade in the United States.

I’m no racist, but I’ll be honest, we were the only white people for miles and it was fucking freaky. It wasn’t just black people either, i mean we were in the hood. I don’t even think we saw more that 3 other white people the entire day.  To compound this situation, my girlfriend is a 5′ 10″ blonde girl from Sweden with a booty. She might as well have been a movie star or a wheel barrel full of money- no one would leave her alone.

Anyhow, we were passing out free stuff, which couldn’t have been easier. People where approaching us, where normally we would do the opposite. The only catch is that you have to fill out a short form.  Back at the main army tent, there was a machine which made dog tags. People wrote down their requests and we would type them in the computer and it would spit out a new dog tag.

I couldn’t possibly describe to my friends the things that people were writing on these tags. Everything from “R.I.P my bratha lil poo poo” to “south side gangsta murderer”..so I had to steal two for proof.

I took one that said “Ariel Fisher the impecable wun calis finist” and “Lets get it popin im in tha wild hundreds baby ya dig”  The last one says, “Phil Tyler is cool”. lol

phil tyler dog tags

Wow.

So when the parade ended and we signed out, we walked back to my car. While we were crossing the street that was still blocked off from the parade, a cop car races up and slams on it’s breaks. The two police officers inside ask, “what are you two doing here?” We told them about how we helped pass out army promotional materials and he told us to get in. On the way back to my car, the cops told us how dumb we were and he is surprised we lasted this long…. I guess people were getting shot and stabbed all day.

I’m too lazy to bring my lunch everyday and I’m too poor to always go out to decent restaurants, so I wind up walking next door to subway.
Today I decided to check out that new torpedo sub from quiznos. I didn’t really want one, but I feel bad for them and I want to do my part to help the economy. Ever since subway started that $5 footlong thing, every other sub shop has lost business.
So ordered the turkey pesto. It was $4.46 with tax. Quizno’s had to make something to compete with subway and this was their attempt- a slightly cheaper and longer sub.

I  went back up to my desk and snapped these pics.

LOL, my dick is thicker than this sub sandwich. I even laid out a hi-liter next to it (which represents the size of your dick by the way).
Anyhow, the torpedo is 13″, so one inch bigger than subway and 2 inches bigger than my junk.

Ok enough with the cock jokes.

The sub was actually pretty good. I eat a lot though and I feel like, overall, it just wasn’t as much food as subway.   Saving abuck compared to subway was nice, but wasn’t worth it.  Quiznos just can’t hang!

I read one time that if it wasn’t for porn, the internet would’ve never grew so fast.

Geeeezzzussss there is a lot of porn on the net. I have a really hot girlfriend, so I don’t look at porn that much, but she’s been gone that last few days, so I decided to take a look see.

I mean there are literally millions of websites, some with hundreds of different people on them. Where do all these people come from? I wonder how many people I ride with on the rush hour train are the same people I saw sucking 3 dicks with a flashlight in their ass the night before…hmmm…

And I noticed something too (which is only obvious to someone that has been looking at porn for more than 10 years) and that’s that all the guys are now, well, jacked up studs.  There was a time that most of the guys were fat and hairy, but the woman started to realize that they hold all the power and finally said enough is enough, we’re not banging old grandpas anymore (unless its a fetish thing, in which case there are dozens of sites). Look at any porno these days and all the guys are completely ripped. To elaborate further, check out the casting requirements for porno films on craigslist- ALL MEN MUST HAVE SIX PACK ABS!, which sucks because I’ll never get casted.

The last thing I noticed was that people are starting to get into some pretty freaky stuff. Remember when a two peice bikini was taboo? And then that faded. And women posed for playboy, but never spread their legs?  And that faded too. I’m trying to say that over the last 30 years the stuff that gets released has been increasingly perverted. I wonder what year fucking 6 midgets on a playground wearing bowties and covered in whipped cream became hot?

What the hell just happened?
So I just finished watching Knowing, the new movie with Nicholas Cage and I gotta ask- what the fuck?

If you are thinking about seeing it, spoiler alert, don’t keep reading! I’m going to talk rant about the movie and how much it sucks [insert random large mammal here] dick.

So Cage finds these numbers and they all turn out to be tragic events where a lot of people died, except for the last few which haven’t happened yet. I was pissed off most of the movie because if this really happened, a normal person wouldn’t act like a complete tard like cage did. His character is so friggin emotional and pathetic. Anywho, besides the whole numbers thing, there’s another parallel story going on with smooth rocks and whispering ghosts.  Again, what the fuck?

So on the last day, god damn aliens come down in a space ship that would never in a million years get off the ground. Apparently fucking general and basic physics don’t apply to the stupid aliens. But yea, they come to earth and take cage’s son and some other girl who are the chosen ones. As the aliens are flying the kids across the galaxy, the earth gets destroyed which sucks for a few reasons. Most notably because it was October in the movie, which meant Halloween was coming up and everyone knows that Halloween is the best damn holiday.  So the aliens drop the two kids off on some new planet and the movie ends. I’m guessing that the two kids are supposed to be adam and eve, but I mean seriously, what the fuck?  Stupid move by the aliens dropping two kids off on a planet with no tools, food, medicine or at least a soduku puzzle. I’m not even going to get into how awkward puberty is going to be for them or the what if he has a small urethra and can’t have kids resulting in a failed new world.

I’m sorry. The movie just sucked and i’m pissed I wasted my time on it. I mean the concept of it isn’t that bad, but the rest of it was.

Here is the funny video of today- Like a Boss!

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NisCkxU544c&feature=channel]